Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Bottom of the league

I used to be top link at fenella's website, but now I am the bottom link. What kind of shit is this? I have no funny stories to tell, nothing funny happened to me for a while, I am not in trouble at work because I am not at work at the moment. What else can I write about? I'm not allowed to tell you what is good to listen to, what is nice to watch, even though I've just seen lots of films.

Hmmmm. Nothing of note to write.

Except, maybe, one tale of woe.

In order to look hot for the wedding I did a bit of sneaky dieting. I ate lentil soup and not much else for the two weeks approaching, thought of the wedding every time I picked up a knife or fork, and was strict as can be with my Low G.I. approach in general. This meant that I ended up at 12 stone and 3 pounds on my wedding day. This is a great weight. Perfect, and it meant that I looked great.

Today, just over a month later, I am 14 stone.

What do you think of that? I think this is a pretty fantastic effort on my behalf.

How to achieve such a stunning weight loss:

1) Try to eat all the food from your wedding in less than a week.

Chopped liver goes off fast. It needs to be eaten. There was lots of it. It's about the most fattening thing in the world. We had about 20 bagels left to accompany it. All of them went in my stomach. Someone brought us a kilo of taramasalata. It wasn't even open before everybody left. Chocolate cake. Wedding cake. 4 packets of Philadelphia. Crisps. The eating went on and on and on.

2) Go to Newmarket Races and eat buffet food.

Top off the week with a visit to the races at Newmarket and try to eat as much of the buffet that all the staff club together for as can be stuffed into my mouth. Eat more at the end of the evening when returning to the car.

3) Go to France.

Oh god, France. Cheese. Brie. Comte. A special cheese made of the milk of 12 cows. Chevre. Jambon. Saucisson Sec. Sausage. Steak. Frites. Crepe. Chocolat. Croissant. Pain Au Chocolat. Coffee. Beer. Wine. Escargots. Pate.

4) Stop running in France.

There's no time to run when you are trying to eat the whole of France.

5) Return to UK, try running again. Stop again.

I have put on so much weight that my insoles gave me two enormous blisters along my arches. I developed them after 2 miles of my normal run, and then forced myself to run them in good and proper over another 3 miles. Oh, well done me. Then run another 5 on top of that the next day. Terrific.

6) Eat curry and fish and chips.

When you can't be bothered to cook, go to a take away and buy this food. It never fails to pile on the pounds.

7) Go to work do do some stuff on display.

Here is what I ate on the Saturday when I went to work:

1) King Size Snickers
2) Caramac Kit Kat
3) King Size Dairy Milk
4) Quarter Pounder with Chips and diet coke (well done on the diet coke)
5) Crispy Duck - half

Here is what I ate on the Sunday when I went to work:

1) King Size Dairy Milk
2) Packet of Chocolate Chip Cookies
3) Fry Up - Sausage, Bacon, Eggs, Fried Bread, Beans
4) Aubergine and Chick Peas + Quinoa

Just very bad form.

8) Keep going out to places with the Kids that have a lovely cafe.

Summer holidays are great. I have never had a summer holiday where I've weighed less than I went in, but this is a spectacular effort.

So yeah, that's what I've been doing over the summer. Yourselves?

Oh, and I broke my little camera.

Oh, and I blew shit all over the sensor of my big camera.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


Today I was ringing up for a childminder for my daughter. This is one of those nasty jobs that we put off for so long that it becomes ridiculously titanic, but once I picked up the phone and started dialling I found it was very easy and even rather pleasurable.

Apart from the first call.

"ring, ring ring, ring ring, ri..Mreoire"

"Hello, Is that Melissa Ridgers?"


(Bit rude for a woman who has organic wholefood on offer for the little ones in a large house within walking distance)

"Hello, My name is David Trent, I got your name from Joy Strotter at the nursery, I'm looking for a childminder my two children, preferably to begin in January of next year..."

Whilst I explained this I could hear the odd sigh as I was speaking.

I was a little dissapointed in this - a rude attitude and sighing in despair as I spoke to her - what was going on? This was my first call because this woman had been hand selected for me by the woman at the nursery school. She said that this woman would suit me down to the ground, organic hippy food, child centered approach, looking after all the children as if they were her own, 3 children of her own.

She had warned me of one restricting factor but I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was.

"I'm in labour at the moment, this isn't a, pant pant, very good, sigh, time..."

Oh yeah, that was it - she was about to have a baby. 3 months ago.

"Super, good luck. Bye"

I'd have switched my mobile off.

A Number