Friday, March 28, 2008

Affluenza by Oliver James is the most important book ever written.

Yes. I got a new computer. When I plug things in it works straight away. Unlike the acer aspire 3662 that I used to have. That was a really bad computer. It never worked.

I am in Brighton. It is good. We have no children with us and we're not missing them.

Check out this ironic photograph.

Let's count the ways of Irony.

1) It is ironic because the book is called affluenza yet the sticker is encouraging me to buy more than one book.

2) It is ironic because I took it on my brand new mobile phone which isn't really that much better than my perfectly good old mobile phone.

3) It is ironic because the function of a mobile phone is primarily to communicate with people through the medium of phone call. In that case I may as well carry around a little stick and call that a mobile phone. I'd probably use it to make more calls. At least then I'd only have to speak to imaginary people.

4) It is ironic because this is my second brand new mobile phone in two weeks as I threw my last mobile phone into my toilet. I wish I had done a poo in the toilet first, but I hadn't, so the story is pretty futile. It goes like this "I was walking into the toilet. It was 5.45 in the morning. I pressed the email icon on the screen then lost my grip on the phone. It dropped into the toilet. I fished it out. I dried it on a tea towel. I put the tea towel in the dirty washing. I went back to bed. I phoned my insurance. I went into town and got another phone." If only I'd done a poo. It would be a much more entertaining story then because I could add the words "I had to put my hand into the poo. I had to wipe the poo off using some toilet paper," That would be a blast.

5) It is ironic because I really wanted to buy the book although I didn't need it.

6) It is ironic because the font is double spaced with massive amount of white space all around it so it is twice as big as it needs to be.

7) It is ironic because as soon as I saw the front cover I went and purchased a white suit and a briefcase and a shirt with coloured splodges on it and then I forced Polly buy a white suit and a green scarf.

8) And Polly cut all her hair off and I brought a wig. We look like dicks but we feel as if we did the right thing.

9) It is ironic because the title encapsulates the entire book and probably says everything you need to know about the subject, thus rendering the entire book obsolete.

10) It is ironic because Influenza is an illness where you lie on a couch and stare at the ceiling, often wearing no clothes and crying a little bit, whereas Affluenza is not an illness, it is a made up word, made up by Oliver James in order to make his book sound zeitgeisty and cutting edge and therefore to sell his ideas to us.

11) It is ironic because I haven't read the book yet I am slagging it off, which is the sort of habit I disapprove of. Unless I'm doing it. Then it is HILARIOUS.

12) It is ironic because by the very nature of me writing "Affluenza" and "Oliver James" again and again I will end up advertising the book and perhaps selling a copy or two.

13) It is ironic because Oliver James will probably google himself and see this blog and then he will write a new book called "Ironyfluenza" and it will be all about me and he will make loads of money. Out of me.

13) It is ironic because I purchased it.

Once I have read this book I will write the following review:

"Affluenza by Oliver James is the most important book ever written. YOU MUST BUY THIS BOOK. And then you must buy a copy of this book for everyone you know and tell them to buy a copy of the book for everyone you know. And then you must buy this book again and leave it lying around your house. Especially when they reprint it in another format or with a new cover. "

(I didn't buy it. I might get it out of the library. It's non-fiction so I should be able to get it held and sent to my local branch)

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

I drive home.

"We've got to book the holiday David," says Polly to me as we drive back from Thetford forest.

Elly has spent the last hour howling with despair because the 43p she brought with her wasn't enough to buy anything at the shop. She's been really screaming and it's been pretty much totally embarrassing and unbearable.

Screaming like this has a kind of mind searing effect which wrenches any fun that's been had previously in the day out of your soul and replaces it with blind and furious hatred of everything in the world. Ever.

Elly sobs from the back of the car.

"Yeah, that'll be right Polly. That's definitely what I want to do. I want to do this, every day, for ten days and spend one thousand three hundred pounds doing it."

Suddenly the car jerks forward. Polly has slammed her foot on the accelerator and is driving like Gene Hunt. I really am quite scared.

"Polly, please don't kill us all."


Polly is incredibly angry. She's really shouting this at the top of her voice. The last time she shouted at me like this was six years ago and we had to go and buy new crockery. I think there is a 24% chance that she will kill us all.

"Well Polly, if you're going to do it could you try to do it just on your side? Or wait until we get that brilliant insurance policy we were talking about the other night?"

Polly pulls over, gets out of the car and leans against a fence.

I go over and stand next to her. I poke her on the shoulder with my index finger. This is definitely the most comforting of all gestures.

We look back into the car. Elly is bent over in her car seat, wracking with sobs.

She says "Why does she do it?"

I say "Probably because she's five years old."

We sigh and giggle a bit.

I drive home.

(Theives threw a brick though my window last night and stole my laptop and my ipod, hence the lack of pictures)

A Number