OK

Really quickly, because I want to read my book, but I also really want to tell all one of you this hilarious story.

On Tuesday we all went swimming. When we change we pair up. I changed with Mick this time and Elly changed with Polly.

When Mick and I finished getting changed we walked out to see Elly sitting in the Cafe. This is the council swimming pool and it has the mandatory council swimming pool cafe which sells Jacket Potatoes and has two packets of crisps in a bowl by the till and has a banana and and apple and an orange all sitting in a "display" on top of the hot food display cabinet. Look at the beautiful picture I paint with merely a few words.

The cafe is busy. It's half term and there's loads of kids and mums around.

Elly is sitting all alone at the table. She is sitting up as straight as she can, being "a very good girl," She is being such a very good girl that she's trembling with happiness at being a good girl. If you could read her brains they would probably be saying something about being as good as a princess or a ballerina.

My first thought is "Polly must be dead." It's my default interpretation for the unexpectedly missing matriachal figure. I always used to look for Mum's car on my way home from school and if Mum's car wasn't there I'd think "Nana Minnie must be dead, great excuse," and then I'd get in to find a note saying "I am at John Lewis, bad luck, you'll only have your horrifcally adolescent obsession with sexual intercourse to blame for getting C C E in your A levels,"

Then I think "No, Polly is probably not dead. She must be buying some food," I look towards the food counter but Polly isn't there.

I approach Elly and say "I can't see Mummy anywhere Elly,"

Elly sits up very straight and says "Mummy is at the toilet."

I look around and think "That's really bad Polly, you can't leave Elly sitting all alone in a public place, this just isn't responsible parenting."

I think this for 4 seconds, before I suddenly think "BRILLIANT OPPORTUNITY."

"Elly, quick, get your coat, let's all go and hide,"

Elly looks at me, lowers her eyes, smiles condescendingly and says

"I'm not allowed."

"What? What do you mean you're not allowed?"

"Mummy said that when you said that we should go and I hide I have to say that I'm not allowed."

Sometimes it's as if my wife knows me.