Mick Hate Bio Dynamic Organic Wholewheat Pasta and I am an Idiot and a Wanker but Labradors are not rude like Bus Drivers.
I walk into the toilet and I catch Mick, face screwed up in an intense expression of hatred and concentration. His cheeks are ruddy, his brow knitted in a familiar expression of frustrated determination. He is bent over the bowl of the toilet trying to ram a packet of biodynamic organic wholewheat spaghetti down the bowl as hard as he can, over and over again, like a spring.
As I reach over him to pull the packet of spaghetti out of the bowl he starts groaning at me, frantically pulling at the chain, yelling hysterically.
Now he is standing on a chair in the kitchen. He is wearing a pink ballet dress, patiently waiting for Elly to cut him another small piece of paper so that he can eat it.
From time to time he holds the packet of biodynamic organic wholewheat spaghetti that I have relinquished in an attempt to pacify him towards me, wrinkles up his nose in disgust and grunts noisily at me as if to say "get rid of this SHIT and get me some donuts, you FREAK"
Sometimes when I reverse the car into the drive, the people behind me don't like it. They get really upset with me and make hand gestures. Once this nearly resulted in a street fight.
The other day I sat at the side of the road ready to reverse in and saw a bus coming in the distance. I made a snap decision to reverse quickly in before the bus arrived.
When the bus arrived outside my house, it stopped and the bus driver stared at me, tapped his head as if to say "idiot" then made a "wanker" hand gesture at me.
I think that he is a wanker. If I hadn't have got into a fight last time someone made this type of gesture at me, I would have made one back, but instead I sat quietly at my wheel and frowned sadly.
It is not nice. What a terrible world.
When I went for a run the other day I saw a man with two labradors. I was running along, then the man was in front of me, then the labradors were in front of him. I felt a bit scared of the labradors because they were off the lead.
Once a dog that was off the lead bit me on the ankle and I shouted "Oi, go away,". I stopped running and said to the dog's owner (a young lad of about 12) "You've got to put him on a lead because he is a mental dog." The next time I ran past that dog, he was on the lead and I said to the dog's owner "Well Done,"
As I ran past the man, who had a beard and was stooping down with a white plastic bag to collect some dogshit off the grass in the park, I took one of my headphones out of my ear and said to him "Are they friendly?".
He looked up from the ground, where he was carefully handling the warm, freshly laid turd of his dog through the safety of his white plastic bag, smiled at me and said "Yes," so I ran happily past the dogs and there was no problem at all.
I think that bus drivers should take a leaf out of the labrador's book and leave me alone instead of stopping menacingly in front of my house making "you are an idiot and a wanker" gestures at me just because I dared to reverse into my drive.
They don't need to tell me that I am an idiot and a wanker, because I already know I am a wanker. Just the idiot sign would have been sufficient, or maybe even a new sign where they do crazy steering at me and waggle their tongue like a loon and cross their eyes as if to say "you drive like a loony".